Insane Random Ramblings

I have nothing today so I decided to post a joke:

As they say in the islands we have a “PLASTER FOR EVERY SORE

Jamaican Duck Hunter
A Jamaican went hunting one day in Georgia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Jamaicans.
The game warden ordered the Jamaican to show his hunting license, and the Jamaican pulled out a valid Georgia hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from Georgia. This is a Alabama duck. You got a Alabama huntin’ license, boy?”
The Jamaican reached into his wallet and produced an Alabama hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said “This ain’t no Georgia duck. This duck’s from Florida. You got a Florida license?”
The Jamaican reached into wallet and produced a Florida hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Georgia duck. This here duck’s from North Carolina. You got a North Carolina huntin’ Again the Jamaican reached into his wallet and brought out a North Carolina hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Jamaican,”Just where the hell are you from???!!!”
The Jamaican turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “You tell me, you’re the expert.”

My 7-year-old daughter came home from school one day, held up her middle finger, and asked me what it meant. I was so shocked that I could say only, “Shame on you,” followed by, “If anyone does that to you, just say, “Shame on you” to that person.

Next week we were at the dinner table when my husband let out a huge belch. I reprimanded him by saying, “Shame on you.”

Imagine my husband’s shock when my daughter held up her middle finger, showed it to him, and exclaimed, “Mom, you forgot to give Daddy the ’shame on you’ sign.”

An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work. He looked quite concerned at one notation.

“I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn’t realize I was that bad,” he said to me apologetically. “I hope I didn’t offend anyone.”

He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant “Short Of Breath” and not what he thought.

Pauly walks into a bar and says “Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!” The bartender says, “Well, Pauly, seems you’re in a really good mood tonight, eh?”

Pauly says, “Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!”

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says “Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!”

The bartender says, “Well now! If you’re so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you’ll be when you get your paycheck!”

Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says “You mean they’ll PAY me on top of it?”

I’ve been sporadically posting my joke of the week. The main reason is that I just can’t find any funny jokes. Everything that I find is super corny. They don’t make me crack a smile so I don’t think anyone else wants to see them.

If I find anything even remotely amusing, I’ll be sure to pass it along.

Sleepless Nights…

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you?”

He said, “Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night”

The next night it was a different deputy’s turn. In the morning, same thing–hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!”

He said, “Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night.”

The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning,” he said. They couldn’t believe it!

They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.

He sat up and watched me all night long.”

Laws of Life:

* Murphy’s First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Kauffman’s Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

* Miller’s Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you’ll want to be doing some-thing else.

* Weiner’s Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

* Lampner’s Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

Man-gauge…

A guide to man language…

“I’M GOING FISHING” Means: “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

“IT’S A GUY THING” Means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?” Means: “Why isn’t dinner already on the table?”

“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR…” Means: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN” Means: “I have no idea how it works.”

“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.” Means: “I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.”

“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD.” Means: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.” Means: “Are you still talking?”

“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.” Means: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.” Means: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“OH, DON’T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.” Means: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt.”

“HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING.” Means: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon.”

“I CAN’T FIND IT.” Means: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?” Means: “What did you catch me at?”

“I HEARD YOU.” Means: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE” Means: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”
“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.” Means: “”Please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”

“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.” Means: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

Horror Movie Safety Tips - Part Two…

11. If your friends suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behaviour such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Sunnydale, Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, and Nilbog, anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

13. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

14. As a general rule for all movies, beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased friends.

15. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.

16. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.

17. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.

18. If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET OUT!

19. If you find an unmarked video tape, DVD or computer game DO NOT PLAY IT, bad things are bound to happen

20. If you are walking through the forest and find a large, squishy egg shaped object, DO NOT TOUCH IT, it will almost certainly contain the larva stage of some hideous alien invader that will kill you, mutate your body or take control of your mind (or any combination of the three).

21. Always listen to the Geek, smart kid, dying scientist or old psycho hermit wizard. These people usually know everything to do with whatever is following you, trying to kill you or trying to open the Gates of Hell

Horror Movie Safety Tips - Part One…

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else’s voice.

5. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

7. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short-circuits; just get out.

8. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

9. If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.

10. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.